If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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