Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
