Having a random hookup so left but love u
Soap is not a condiment
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
