Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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