Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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