dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
