you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
