I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
