i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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