I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
