at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize