What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
