in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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