just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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