Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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