Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
