Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
