im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
