Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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