So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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