Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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