im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize