I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize