I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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