It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
