and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
