Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
