If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
