My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
