I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
