Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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