I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
