That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
this is an emotional support booty call
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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