I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
