So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
