I wish my penis had an off switch
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
