Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
