I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Come on in and take your pants off
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