If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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