It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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