I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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