I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
