Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Naked Twister starts at high noon
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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