I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
