I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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