Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
