he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
