took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
