I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
