so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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