I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
