Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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