i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
