The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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