Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
