i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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