You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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