Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Found the puke drawer
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
