oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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