my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
