Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
