So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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