My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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