if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
