We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
